Tuesday

D.213\12



So I want to build up the southern wall and create the succulent garden, I made the measurements today. 13' 8" long by 32" high roughly 50 bricks, since some need to stick out. 50 bricks at home depot cost about $1.14 so the whole wall will cost about $57 for the bricks plus the cost of the mortar. That is about $5 for 80lbs and Ragazzo says we need about 3 bags, so $15 so about $72-$75 for this complete project. I can afford that.

The next project is the retaining wall, initially I was thinking railroad ties, but those are fucking expensive!!!! So I will build it with concrete blocks like the wall. This retaining wall will be 28' from the southern wall then turn towards the house and continue for another 9'. S that roughly 84 bricks then turn and an additional 28 bricks for a total of 112 bricks roughly $130. 

Now, from this retaining wall I want to build another shade structure. It will start at the flower bed (roughly 3'-4' from the southern wall) and extend 8' north and be about 12' wide. The top of this structure will house dead branches taken from the trees out front and this will provide holding for the Virginia creeper and wisteria that I want to plant in the flower bed and g to grow on the shade structure. From the posts that are built in the retaining wall it provides a solid post to stretch an awning from them to the roof and provide much needed shade for the grass that is going in the area between the patio and the retaining wall. 

Speaking of the grass, the area needs to have a slight slope for drainage which works perfectly for me. The soil needs to be about 10" at the edge of the patio concrete and can slope downward away. To achieve this slope I will need top soil ($1.63 for 1 cubic ft at Lowe's) and lawn soil ($5.97 for 1.5 cubic ft at Lowe's). So this is going to be L shaped, so 192"x57"= 10,944" sq is about  76 sq ft. That seems like a lot, hmmm. Then 28'x14' gives me 392 sq ft for a total of 468 sq ft. Fuck that's a lot of dirt... Plus the sod which Ragazzo said came in 5 sq ft so about 94 pieces of sod and I don't know that price but it isn't something we have to think about until spring next year anyways. But the area has to be built up first with the top soil and lawn soil.

Ragazzo says I need 12 Fulton bricks for my little garden against the south side of the patio that I want to extend out. God I love this man, he pulled the bricks out of the existing bed, pulled in dirt from the yard to build up the level of the soil and re-laid the bricks to calculate the exact number of bricks that I will need. Now he is brining in dirt around the patio edge to build up my slope... Wow, why do I ever doubt this man, I need to fucking get over my insecurities. 

So 12 bricks at Lowe's is $1.52 total of $18.24  

Okay, I'm exhausted. We went to Lowe's and got 50 cinder blocks, 12 bricks, 2 bags of mortar, 1 thing to get the mortar on the blocks... What's it called? Some wooden pickets for him, and uh... I think that was it. Only $120! I thought it would have been more. Anyways, we got home, unloaded all that into the backyard and now my hands are scratched up and my arms are tired. But then we moved all those branches that he removed from the tree in the front yard and broke them down and moved those into the backyard too. That'll be for the shade structure that I wanna build. 

Alright, well, that it is for today. I'm exhausted,need a shower then off to bed.

Con affecto.
Me

Friday

D.209\12

Il Ragazzo left for Taos this morning, he's working with a new job, and that is great, he started a few days ago. He is a lot less stressed, which means a lot more relaxed Ragazzo for kitty to play with.

So I lost all the measurements that I had for the backyard. But after I took the measurements the first time Ragazzo bought a Bosch laser measure-er. I love this thing!! Best to use it at night when it's easier to spot the damned little red dot. I was able to remeasure the whole backyard in a just a few minutes.

With Ragazzo out in Taos I don't know what to do with myself. I don't like being alone here, I miss him so much. But I am also happy that he is off working, and making money. But sleeping alone is lonely, I'm shocked at how quickly I adapted to being with him and... Kinds maybe, sorta, depending on him to have my back. Kinda pains me to admit that I need help, or want help... But I love him, and want him around me. But, for the next few months I have to get use to him being away for a few days then back to me for a couple. I will take what I can get, and the job pays good, so he is happy. And when he is happy, kitty is happy. And I do like one aspect of this house when he leaves- I get to open the shades and the windows and don't have to turn the air on until it gets too hot in the house. Open windows and circulated air means I don't have to turn th air on until about 10-11 in the morning.

Well, I'm off to watch Burn Notice, drink some drinks, eat something and then off to bed.

Con affecto
me


Sent from my iPad

Wednesday

D.207\12

I don't want to be getting my hopes high, but my period is late... Again. Granted sometimes it just comes late, but last night Ragazzo and I were getting ready to have some fun and he asked if I had started yet, I said no and he said that was a little cause for concern "because you usually start about this time don't you?" it made me stop to think, I never really think about this stuff, it kinda startles me that he remembers these things when even I don't. Not just my cycle, but also little things- or rather things that are 'little' to me which could be big to other people. He remembers the night we first had sex which he counts to be the night that we officially started going out. Every month, on the 13th, he says "happy anniversary". He even made me a little crudely made dog tag with my name on one side and 41312 on the other side. He didn't like it much, said it came out wrong, but I adore it. I took it and want to put it on my keychain, no one has ever made Anything like that for me before, I love it so much.

So, I really pray and hope that I am pregnant, but if I start my period today or soon I will be a little devastated. But things happen for a reason, and I've noticed, at least in my life, that things happen for a reason and if I am pregnant then it is meant to be and if I am not, than that is meant to be. However, I do pray that I am, I really want a child, preferably a little boy, but a girl would be good too.

So the question becomes should I wait or should I get a pregnancy test now and find out? And if I find out that I am, who do I tell?  Ragazzo of course, and my parents my siblings, but other than that I think I might keep it to myself for a while. A little scared of miscarriage, or if someone goes wrong, :( kinda scary thoughts there. Anyhow, I might just be getting my hopes up again, time to focus on something else.

My period hasn't started yet, but I think this might be the usual pre-period jitter of 'hope I'm pregnant' then start to bleed. If I haven't started bleeding by the 28th then I'll get tested. I do hope that I'm pregnant, but I think this is the usual jitter. Of course this time there was that one day... So fingers crossed.

But I need to talk about the backyard, when Ragazzo bought this house he was with his ex-wife, and was looking for the whole family and white-picket fence life. He started working on the backyard but when they ended the marriage it was left barren.








I remember him talking about it at school, how the backyard was mostly rocks and how he moved all the rocks to the side of the yard and was going to till the yard and lay grass. Well after the divorce he was so pessimistic about love and family, so when I moved in I brought my two dogs and the disused backyard was quickly piling up with dog turds. Then I lost my internship and had all this free time on my hands I got it into my head to take the backyard and make it mine. So I asked Ragazzo if he minded if I designed the backyard and changed it. At first he seemed a little apprehensive about it, asked where the money would come from and I said myself. So he agreed and I started thinking about so many different ideas, but so did he.

First he built me a little shade structure off the back of the patio roof. As you can see, he removed most of the panels that enclosed the patio. That was fun (sarcasm).



Then he extended the concrete by 4 feet, that was a tiring day. I was the one mixing the concrete while he smoothed it out.

Ragazzo still wants some grass in the backyard, and I agree, but unlike him it won't be a majority of the yard, but a good size of it. Also want to build up part of the wall, I saw this great idea of using cinder blocks to make a succulent garden. I want to get some vines, the Virginia creeper and the wisteria, to climb on the little shade structure Ragazzo built for me.



And there is the finished patio for now, still a lot of work to be done, but we are getting there. This will be amazing when it is all finished.


Well, I have to post this, then I am off to Billiards leagues tonight!!
Con affecto!

D206.12

Wow, odd to think that it was a simple question that spawned a simple search that lead me to find deeper answers on a website for christianity and G-od's love.

"Each of us has five significant parts in our lives. We have the physical, the emotional, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. All five of these parts are designed to work together in harmony. In our search for intimacy we want the solution today, or yesterday. One of our problems is that we want "instant" gratification."

This is something that I never knew about before, or if I did, I sure don't remember it. This makes a lot of sense, so does this:

"It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, or half-hour -- it just depends upon the urge! But you soon discover that sex may only be a temporary relief for a superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is still unmet."

And this:

"I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible."

Having had over 20 lovers in my 27 years I can honestly say that this is true for me, it makes so much sense to me. Tim hurt me when he talked so much about loving me and relocating to be with me and taking his children and being with me. I loved him, and that was the only time I can say that all 5 parts of me were in harmony. I know that whole situation with Tim and Laura was messed up, but it happened, the emotions were there and it hurt like crazy when it ended and he stayed with her. Ever since then I have been looking for that same intimacy, but I have also been so afraid of being rejected or, like Tim, told that I am loved, that I'm so special and so amazing and so perfect but then to pick someone else instead.

Enter Norman, now I realize that was a bad relationship too, it was a relationship based mostly on need and not a lot of want on his side, and on my side it was spiteful to my family and to everyone who ever said that I would never settle down and get married. Yes I did love him, and when he became emotionally attached to Tracy B. in wisconsin it hurt me, it made me feel like I wasn't enough to him. I do not know if he ever slept with her, but the emotional attachment- that level of intimacy with someone other than me, his wife- destroyed my confidence, ripped my ego and pride and crushed my heart. In short- it really fucking hurt. He was suppose to be my forever companion, my life, my love, and it ended before it really began. However, I do feel some emotion to him still- I hope he is happy, I hope he is doing well in life and is successful. I don't ever want to see him again, but I hope he is well.

But after that ended, I didn't want to be hurt anymore. To give in to someone so fully and so completely only to have him turn around and destroy me was nearly unbearable. I survived the hurt, and I know now that come what may I will always survive. But maybe that way of thinking is not what I should be doing- survive always, yes, I was born to do so. But when it comes to love I can't do this on my own. I want this relationship with ragazzo to be successful, and I realize now that the key to this is to break down the walls and become more intimate with him. I need to let go of not wanting to be hurt and open up, but how does one do that? That is where the website let's me down, it doesn't get into how to get past that question. Sure you hear from everyone the same the little cliche "well it's different for everyone" and I can accept that, but can't you give me some examples and point me in the right direction?

"Recognise that intimacy is a skill that takes practice. It is not always easy. It's OK to be apprehensive about it, but don't let that stop you trying.

Recognise that achieving intimacy involves an emotional risk. If you open up to another, there is always the risk of being hurt if the other person does not react in an accepting way. Trusting the other with your feelings, however, will often lead to them opening up to you as well. If you always wait for the other to open up first, you may never achieve closeness.

Even if the other person does not accept the thoughts and emotions you reveal, the relationship will often be better off for your honesty. Learning to manage the uncomfortable feelings you have when someone does not agree with you, without resorting to attacking or withdrawing, is an important skill.

You can 'work' on your intimacy whether you have a partner who wishes to or not. It is never too late to begin again. When emotional distance has become a habit, relationship breakdown is increasingly likely. The risk to the relationship of not opening up is far greater than the risk of being honest.

Challenge your limiting beliefs about masculinity such as 'Men are always in control' or 'Boys don't cry'.

Seek out an individual or relationship counsellor if you need help with developing intimacy."

That was from a website about men and their usual inability of intimacy. Odd, but it sounds more like me. Ragazzo is always asking me how I feel and things like that. I'm the one withdrawing and trying to be independent and strong. I am not balancing my 5 parts and I need to work on this.

So I will, because I love Ragazzo, I want this to last and I want a family with him. I want a child, my desire for a kid usually comes and goes like a tide and ebb. But for the past couple of months it has been a continuous desire for a child. And I would love that child to belong to Ragazzo and myself.

So I will become more open, and I will also post about the backyard. I'm going to recreate it and Ragazzo is already helping me. :-)

Con affecto.



Sent from my iPad