Wednesday

D206.12

Wow, odd to think that it was a simple question that spawned a simple search that lead me to find deeper answers on a website for christianity and G-od's love.

"Each of us has five significant parts in our lives. We have the physical, the emotional, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. All five of these parts are designed to work together in harmony. In our search for intimacy we want the solution today, or yesterday. One of our problems is that we want "instant" gratification."

This is something that I never knew about before, or if I did, I sure don't remember it. This makes a lot of sense, so does this:

"It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, or half-hour -- it just depends upon the urge! But you soon discover that sex may only be a temporary relief for a superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is still unmet."

And this:

"I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible."

Having had over 20 lovers in my 27 years I can honestly say that this is true for me, it makes so much sense to me. Tim hurt me when he talked so much about loving me and relocating to be with me and taking his children and being with me. I loved him, and that was the only time I can say that all 5 parts of me were in harmony. I know that whole situation with Tim and Laura was messed up, but it happened, the emotions were there and it hurt like crazy when it ended and he stayed with her. Ever since then I have been looking for that same intimacy, but I have also been so afraid of being rejected or, like Tim, told that I am loved, that I'm so special and so amazing and so perfect but then to pick someone else instead.

Enter Norman, now I realize that was a bad relationship too, it was a relationship based mostly on need and not a lot of want on his side, and on my side it was spiteful to my family and to everyone who ever said that I would never settle down and get married. Yes I did love him, and when he became emotionally attached to Tracy B. in wisconsin it hurt me, it made me feel like I wasn't enough to him. I do not know if he ever slept with her, but the emotional attachment- that level of intimacy with someone other than me, his wife- destroyed my confidence, ripped my ego and pride and crushed my heart. In short- it really fucking hurt. He was suppose to be my forever companion, my life, my love, and it ended before it really began. However, I do feel some emotion to him still- I hope he is happy, I hope he is doing well in life and is successful. I don't ever want to see him again, but I hope he is well.

But after that ended, I didn't want to be hurt anymore. To give in to someone so fully and so completely only to have him turn around and destroy me was nearly unbearable. I survived the hurt, and I know now that come what may I will always survive. But maybe that way of thinking is not what I should be doing- survive always, yes, I was born to do so. But when it comes to love I can't do this on my own. I want this relationship with ragazzo to be successful, and I realize now that the key to this is to break down the walls and become more intimate with him. I need to let go of not wanting to be hurt and open up, but how does one do that? That is where the website let's me down, it doesn't get into how to get past that question. Sure you hear from everyone the same the little cliche "well it's different for everyone" and I can accept that, but can't you give me some examples and point me in the right direction?

"Recognise that intimacy is a skill that takes practice. It is not always easy. It's OK to be apprehensive about it, but don't let that stop you trying.

Recognise that achieving intimacy involves an emotional risk. If you open up to another, there is always the risk of being hurt if the other person does not react in an accepting way. Trusting the other with your feelings, however, will often lead to them opening up to you as well. If you always wait for the other to open up first, you may never achieve closeness.

Even if the other person does not accept the thoughts and emotions you reveal, the relationship will often be better off for your honesty. Learning to manage the uncomfortable feelings you have when someone does not agree with you, without resorting to attacking or withdrawing, is an important skill.

You can 'work' on your intimacy whether you have a partner who wishes to or not. It is never too late to begin again. When emotional distance has become a habit, relationship breakdown is increasingly likely. The risk to the relationship of not opening up is far greater than the risk of being honest.

Challenge your limiting beliefs about masculinity such as 'Men are always in control' or 'Boys don't cry'.

Seek out an individual or relationship counsellor if you need help with developing intimacy."

That was from a website about men and their usual inability of intimacy. Odd, but it sounds more like me. Ragazzo is always asking me how I feel and things like that. I'm the one withdrawing and trying to be independent and strong. I am not balancing my 5 parts and I need to work on this.

So I will, because I love Ragazzo, I want this to last and I want a family with him. I want a child, my desire for a kid usually comes and goes like a tide and ebb. But for the past couple of months it has been a continuous desire for a child. And I would love that child to belong to Ragazzo and myself.

So I will become more open, and I will also post about the backyard. I'm going to recreate it and Ragazzo is already helping me. :-)

Con affecto.



Sent from my iPad

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