D.091.11
Every time I see Volpe walking around it feels like a balm over a sharp prick in my heart. It isn’t anything romantic, Volpe is gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but not for me. No, this prick is entirely different-I had a nightmare a few days ago, horrible one and when I tried to write it down again, my computer glitched out and deleted my document. I took that as a sign to just not rewrite it, but it was horrible Volpe was lying on the tracks inspecting the undercarriage when the ramp he was on disengaged and jolted forward about two feet before the safety brakes caught it. I shouted and asked if he was ok and he was visibly shaken, said that shouldn’t have happened, then the safety brakes gave way and he lurched forward, into the water below the tracks. I screamed, trying to get out of the cart and get into the water but I couldn’t get up. “Save him! Someone fucking save him!” I saw a woman about five carts behind me jump into the water and pull him out. They roll onto the platform, she’s not moving. Volpe sits up, drenched, gasping, I ask if he’s okay and he nods, but his skin is burning and he falls over, dead. The water, I realize, the water is toxic, had I gone in I would have died just like Volpe, just like the woman who saved him. The terrified look in his blue-green eyes was nerve racking, even now it hurts. So to see him alive soothes that.
In that dream, after Volpe died, I was able to get out of the cart- we were on a roller coaster, and a few of us headed up the ramp, out of tunnel and into the daylight and the sight was horrific. Three lanes over water were gone- just gone. There were twisted metal tracks strewn everywhere, debris all over the place and other cars which slouching bodies of the dead- dead mothers, dead children, their mottled skin pale, seared, pox with acid, drenched in the toxic water mixed with blood; and the smell… I can still smell it. I thought you weren’t suppose to be able to smell in dreams, to feel or anything like that! But worse yet was the fear- we were stuck. The world was dead silent, no sirens, no wailing, no screaming, no birds, bugs, or anything… just dead silence. And we were stuck, surrounded with the toxic water, alone in the empty world that had been destroyed.
I woke up, terrified. I’ve woken up scared, terrified or crying before- but this time I actually had to calm myself down- “It was just a dream, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s only a dream.” It’s been days, and I am still telling myself “it’s just a dream” it was weird.
In another dream I was trying to save someone, they were slated to be killed, and it was my job to find them and save them, needless to say I failed. In yet another dream I was in a garden, or a palazzo, there were tiles, tons of flowers, with warm and spicy air. I don’t remember much outside of that beautiful place except a overwhelming sense of urgency.
Rabbit called last night, I hate to admit it, but it’s good to hear his voice again. I do miss him, but I think I miss having someone to call my own even more. I am so tired of being single, I am so tired of being alone.
In that dream, after Volpe died, I was able to get out of the cart- we were on a roller coaster, and a few of us headed up the ramp, out of tunnel and into the daylight and the sight was horrific. Three lanes over water were gone- just gone. There were twisted metal tracks strewn everywhere, debris all over the place and other cars which slouching bodies of the dead- dead mothers, dead children, their mottled skin pale, seared, pox with acid, drenched in the toxic water mixed with blood; and the smell… I can still smell it. I thought you weren’t suppose to be able to smell in dreams, to feel or anything like that! But worse yet was the fear- we were stuck. The world was dead silent, no sirens, no wailing, no screaming, no birds, bugs, or anything… just dead silence. And we were stuck, surrounded with the toxic water, alone in the empty world that had been destroyed.
I woke up, terrified. I’ve woken up scared, terrified or crying before- but this time I actually had to calm myself down- “It was just a dream, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s only a dream.” It’s been days, and I am still telling myself “it’s just a dream” it was weird.
In another dream I was trying to save someone, they were slated to be killed, and it was my job to find them and save them, needless to say I failed. In yet another dream I was in a garden, or a palazzo, there were tiles, tons of flowers, with warm and spicy air. I don’t remember much outside of that beautiful place except a overwhelming sense of urgency.
Rabbit called last night, I hate to admit it, but it’s good to hear his voice again. I do miss him, but I think I miss having someone to call my own even more. I am so tired of being single, I am so tired of being alone.
/ac
___________
D070.11
“It’s not if you crash, it’s when you crash.”
I’m not so much angry as I am hurt. All my life they’ve never had faith in me, and I guess I am just a fool to think that would every change. I played the marionette so well I thought, so well that they’d finally see I am not the idiot I was when I was younger. And I’m not, I am no longer that idiot… but I’m still that fool. In the Christian religion we are taught that there is power in the spoken word, and everything you say can be either a blessing or a curse. Even for those who are not Christian, there is power in the spoken word. Patients who are in pain who constantly tell themselves that they will get better and they do, to the depressed people who say they are sick and they become sick… there is power in the spoken word. And I know he’s worried, maybe even a little scared, his oldest son “should have died three times”- was involved in three motorcycle wrecks, they were bad. I said “I know the dangers” and he said “No you don’t.” I’m not ignorant when it comes to motorcycles. I’ve sat with bikers and listened to them talk about the dangers of motorcycles, the crashes, the people who have been disfigured, paralyzed and killed. There’s been a conservation or two with Little Bit and she talked about the patients she’s encountered who have brain damage from motorcycle wrecks. Every time I am around Pep and we talk about motorcycles he lays in on me about the dangers out on the road, and the safety tips that he just keeps drilling into me. Turtle is much the same way. There are always dangers on the road, the rider’s judgment, the unforeseen troubles and the other drivers on the road. There’s a blogger who writes about motorcycles and he did a post back in July that covers Safe riding verses unsafe riding: http://www.motorcyclephilosophy.org/2010/0
“”Yet isn't it true we have a tendency to judge people based on that one mistake they made? We never pay attention to the hundreds of times someone made the right decisions and kept their minds focused. We only take notice when they take a fall, and then go on to question their abilities.””
And, sadly, I’ve got nothing but a back track record, all the times I made the mistake and did the bad decision. The wrong decision. It’s my own fault, I know this, and maybe I am being whingy about it, but when you look at me, and you have got no trust and no faith in me, I lose faith and trust in myself- and it’s bad because I am always questioning myself. ‘trust your gut’ is a bullshit phrase to me since it’s always wrong and I never have seemed to possess that intuition to be right. There is always a part of me that is screaming that what I am doing is wrong and that I’m going to fuck up and devastate everything in my pathetic miserable life. I am always scared of failing, I am always scared of being wrong because I am always wrong! And when nobody else has faith in me it’s so hard to see any reason why I should even attempt to carry on.
… how pathetic is that, it makes me sick to hear myself think like that, makes me sick to see that I actually typed that. I hate that I am that weak. I hate that I am that pathetic.
Honestly I think I’m a better driver when I am on a motorcycle as compared to when I am in a car. When I am on a motorcycle I am always keeping an eye out, stay away from blind spots, if you get a bad feeling pull over and wait it out, never rush, never hurry, never try to beat the light. In many ways I see motorcycle riding as my one chance to get it right, because if you mess up, if you fuck up, you might not get another chance. And then I ‘double the odds against me’ because I won’t wear a helmet. I have before but I really don’t like them. The peripheral vision of an average human is close to 180 degrees while helmets must have at least 105 degrees, okay that’s good. However, when you turn your head the helmet’s side is impacted with the same wind force and your neck, not use to supporting that much force, can spasm, nothing too serious, but that feeling always scares me. That spasm makes me twitch and I’ve noticed that I’ll sometimes twitch so hard the handlebars pull to the side I am looking at. With riding experience comes the practice to overcome such things , but to not have that freedom to barely turn my head and use my peripheral vision to see what’s beside and behind me makes me more anxious. But I suppose the bottom line to that topic is that I just flat out don’t like helmets, and I will not wear one. Although, when someone is riding with me, it’s no question about it, they must wear a helmet, yet to this day I’ve only ever felt comfortable enough to let Nny ride with me. Turtles ridden with me a couple of times but that was strictly to teach me how to ride with a passenger. Anyways, back to the point- I feel like a safer driver when I am on a motorcycle as compared to a car because of the reasons listed- you put me in a car and I know I drive recklessly a lot. I dart between cars, I take necessary risks, I drive fast and sometimes stupid. It’s because I know, even though the wreck could be just as devastating, I have a better chance at recovering and driving again. Motorcycles: A lot of times you only get once chance. Cars/Trucks: You have a better chance of walking away and doing it again.
What is it about coca-cola in a glass bottle that makes it takes so much better than in a car or plastic bottle?
Well whatever, as soon as I get my tax return I’ll pay for the motorcycle, have the title set in my name, and go register it and get insurance on it and be happy.
I’m not so much angry as I am hurt. All my life they’ve never had faith in me, and I guess I am just a fool to think that would every change. I played the marionette so well I thought, so well that they’d finally see I am not the idiot I was when I was younger. And I’m not, I am no longer that idiot… but I’m still that fool. In the Christian religion we are taught that there is power in the spoken word, and everything you say can be either a blessing or a curse. Even for those who are not Christian, there is power in the spoken word. Patients who are in pain who constantly tell themselves that they will get better and they do, to the depressed people who say they are sick and they become sick… there is power in the spoken word. And I know he’s worried, maybe even a little scared, his oldest son “should have died three times”- was involved in three motorcycle wrecks, they were bad. I said “I know the dangers” and he said “No you don’t.” I’m not ignorant when it comes to motorcycles. I’ve sat with bikers and listened to them talk about the dangers of motorcycles, the crashes, the people who have been disfigured, paralyzed and killed. There’s been a conservation or two with Little Bit and she talked about the patients she’s encountered who have brain damage from motorcycle wrecks. Every time I am around Pep and we talk about motorcycles he lays in on me about the dangers out on the road, and the safety tips that he just keeps drilling into me. Turtle is much the same way. There are always dangers on the road, the rider’s judgment, the unforeseen troubles and the other drivers on the road. There’s a blogger who writes about motorcycles and he did a post back in July that covers Safe riding verses unsafe riding: http://www.motorcyclephilosophy.org/2010/0
“”Yet isn't it true we have a tendency to judge people based on that one mistake they made? We never pay attention to the hundreds of times someone made the right decisions and kept their minds focused. We only take notice when they take a fall, and then go on to question their abilities.””
And, sadly, I’ve got nothing but a back track record, all the times I made the mistake and did the bad decision. The wrong decision. It’s my own fault, I know this, and maybe I am being whingy about it, but when you look at me, and you have got no trust and no faith in me, I lose faith and trust in myself- and it’s bad because I am always questioning myself. ‘trust your gut’ is a bullshit phrase to me since it’s always wrong and I never have seemed to possess that intuition to be right. There is always a part of me that is screaming that what I am doing is wrong and that I’m going to fuck up and devastate everything in my pathetic miserable life. I am always scared of failing, I am always scared of being wrong because I am always wrong! And when nobody else has faith in me it’s so hard to see any reason why I should even attempt to carry on.
… how pathetic is that, it makes me sick to hear myself think like that, makes me sick to see that I actually typed that. I hate that I am that weak. I hate that I am that pathetic.
Honestly I think I’m a better driver when I am on a motorcycle as compared to when I am in a car. When I am on a motorcycle I am always keeping an eye out, stay away from blind spots, if you get a bad feeling pull over and wait it out, never rush, never hurry, never try to beat the light. In many ways I see motorcycle riding as my one chance to get it right, because if you mess up, if you fuck up, you might not get another chance. And then I ‘double the odds against me’ because I won’t wear a helmet. I have before but I really don’t like them. The peripheral vision of an average human is close to 180 degrees while helmets must have at least 105 degrees, okay that’s good. However, when you turn your head the helmet’s side is impacted with the same wind force and your neck, not use to supporting that much force, can spasm, nothing too serious, but that feeling always scares me. That spasm makes me twitch and I’ve noticed that I’ll sometimes twitch so hard the handlebars pull to the side I am looking at. With riding experience comes the practice to overcome such things , but to not have that freedom to barely turn my head and use my peripheral vision to see what’s beside and behind me makes me more anxious. But I suppose the bottom line to that topic is that I just flat out don’t like helmets, and I will not wear one. Although, when someone is riding with me, it’s no question about it, they must wear a helmet, yet to this day I’ve only ever felt comfortable enough to let Nny ride with me. Turtles ridden with me a couple of times but that was strictly to teach me how to ride with a passenger. Anyways, back to the point- I feel like a safer driver when I am on a motorcycle as compared to a car because of the reasons listed- you put me in a car and I know I drive recklessly a lot. I dart between cars, I take necessary risks, I drive fast and sometimes stupid. It’s because I know, even though the wreck could be just as devastating, I have a better chance at recovering and driving again. Motorcycles: A lot of times you only get once chance. Cars/Trucks: You have a better chance of walking away and doing it again.
What is it about coca-cola in a glass bottle that makes it takes so much better than in a car or plastic bottle?
Well whatever, as soon as I get my tax return I’ll pay for the motorcycle, have the title set in my name, and go register it and get insurance on it and be happy.
/ac
_____________________________________
"Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. "
~ Rossiter Worthington Raymond
D\060\11
I am tired of this place, and I am tired of many the people I face. I want to leave this place again, just pack up and walk away like I use to. It’s times like these where my soul is pulling for any direction that I wish I hadn’t started school and gotten bogged down with silly responsibilities.
I was part asleep this morning, part awake and again I thought someone was in bed with me. I felt strong arms surround me, a warm body pressing up against me and a face nuzzling my neck. I am really beginning to hate these… uh… whatever they are. Hallucinations? Dreams? I don’t know, they are weird, and I don’t like them. When I rise up to full consciousness I am always left with this insane empty feeling. It almost makes me want to have nightmares or night terrors, because when I wake up I am at least content they are over. But I honestly don’t know what to do, or what to make of them.
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
~ Unknown
I’m so tired.
/ac
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
Buddha
Buddha
D\068\11
Some days it truly is the only way I manage to roll out of bed and keep going. I have a friend, his wife is Buddhist, she keeps saying that I should convert, they have many good points and it’s very logical. But if you think about it everyone has good points. There are always good points with nearly everything, that’s why it can be persuasive. Without trying to sound like a weirdo but communists have some good points- it doesn’t work in implementation, but that’s not the point. What was the point… crap I don’t remember. “There was a point to that, I’ll get back to you”-DW
Anyways, Finals are over, I have a week off to relax and recover. I am exhausted, I tried to sleep last night and it just wasn’t working. I am running off 4 hours of sleep right now and I feel the exhaustion in my bones, in my sore muscles. At 4:30 this morning I finally said ‘screw it’ and sat up, turned on the computer and started playing assassins creed 2 again. I finished collecting everything in my original game and since I have to wait until my birthday for the 3rd assassins creed (bro-bro is buying it for me) I decided to just start a new game. It’s silly, I know exactly how the game will unfold and yet when I play this new session I am as giddy as I was the first time I started the game. So there I am playing AC2 thinking since it is so early I will play a little, eat a good breakfast, take the dogs for a walk and clean the yard up before heading out. Heh, you’d think by now I would realize when it comes to Assassins Creed I can never just walk away from the video game. It makes me feel so hypocritical because I use to get so angry at puppy when he’d end up playing video games all day. But whatever, I never use… wow, lost that train of thought and I just looked up from my desk for a moment! Wow, that’s bad. I am so exhausted.
By way of parting gift last night, McCauley showed us how to export outline format word into power point presentations. Sure it sounds easy, and when he walked us through it, it looked remarkably easy- and it is- I was just astounded at how simple and useful it is and yet I didn’t know about it. He told us that all the presentations he did for our class were done by using this spiffy trick and he pointed out that the presentations were always assembled in the beginning of class when we had an hour to work on our projects. Well hell… those were in-depth analysis of the topic to be cover and he did them that quickly?! Wow. That would have been great to know earlier for another class, but still it’s a great technique to know now.
And again I am brought back to writing in the journal or writing online. It’s easier to write online.
Okay, so lunch time, I went to get some noodles from my car and it was so warm I decided to take a quick power nap and… and… holy shit the nightmare was horrific.
I was standing on the side of a highway, the background was shifting between the midnight desert, high full moon with shifting sands and the twilight forest. Every time the scenery changed I could feel the dry air of the desert and the sand hitting my skin, or the humidity of the forest with the cold creeping in. Either scenery, the empty stretch of highway remained the same. Then someone said hello, I looked to my right and there was a young person standing next to me, their face serene, but their eyes sad and their gender unknown. They take a step, an air horn blows, and they are killed by a semi truck. I jolt as the blood hits me but I don’t jolt awake. The truck disappears, the blood evaporates but I can smell it, I can taste it. The scene shifts, desert, forest, desert, forest… ‘hello’-air horn, blood, cycle repeats. Finally, after a number of people commit suicide before me, I hear hello and I try desperately not to look. ‘watch this’ the voice is of a young child and I quickly look at them- no child should ever commit suicide- but it’s not a kid- the person, the being- the thing! has mutated! Mouth jutting with huge needle-hook teeth like a deep sea angler, eyes white with cataracts, skin so transparent I can see the jagged skeleton beneath and it opens its mouth and howls- a god awful scream as the semi truck approaches, it takes a step and I finally, blissfully, jolt awake.
Sometimes I really am afraid to sleep.
Nightmares, night terrors and those blissful nights when I don’t remember the dreams…I don’t know what to make of them. But they have been so usual in my life, I guess I am just moved by the visually stunning ones… I don’t know. It still scared me.
But it’s over, and I am awake now. And as I was getting hot water for my noodles it occurred to me- I know why I am having these frikkin headaches! Before finals I was cooking my food, making sure I was eating correctly and when finals came up I have been so busy studying and scrambling and anxious that I just eat what I can get my hands on, whatever is available with minimal hassle… like instant noodles, junk food, fast food… I literally stopped dead in my tracks and said “FRIKKIN DUH!!” You can’t go from healthy portions and regular schedule eating to this chaos of eating whenever possible and not expect something bad to happen! Well, finals are over, and I think the sleepless night is my body’s weird way of trying to reset the sleep schedule (some nights I’ve been up past 2 studying, or unwinding) and yes, some people would say “Well your lunch time nightmare could just be a side effect from your eating habits lately and your whole habits of late with the stress of finals and such.” And that is logical- but how to you explain the rest of my nightmares and night terrors? But that’s not the point, I am not looking for answers for my nightmares anymore. They are there, they exist, just push through them, calm down from the terror and carry on with life. Really what else is there to do?
If I had written all of this in my little journal I bet my pages would be filled up. I think I don’t want to write in my journal because the pages are almost out and that means I’ll have to find another equally cool journal to keep writing and I get sad about that. For the past 3 years it’s been a great journal!
Moving on, I just paid off my credit card, that’s been nagging for a while ^_^ I have money left over and I am racking my brain trying to remember if there was anything else I needed to pay off that was dire. And I’m coming up empty, I was suppose to take Little Bit out to dinner last night, whoops, I totally forgot. The stressed killed everything for me. I just sent her a text asking about tonight. I’ll need to run home and shower first. And I need to take my bicycle down to the guys and have it disassembled, then over to Jay and have it blasted. Then painted and then back to the guys for reassembly. I also need to go grocery shopping, the dogs need more dog food, Blaze is okay with her cat food, and I want to buy a new dog puzzle for them. Well, I will hold off on the dog puzzles, I need to buy dog food and groceries and have the bike repaired because I want to ride my bicycle again and it being disassembled is a problem.
“An optimist expects his dreams to come true; a pessimist expects his nightmares to.” ~ Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Nightmares, night terrors and those blissful nights when I don’t remember the dreams…I don’t know what to make of them. But they have been so usual in my life, I guess I am just moved by the visually stunning ones… I don’t know. It still scared me.
But it’s over, and I am awake now. And as I was getting hot water for my noodles it occurred to me- I know why I am having these frikkin headaches! Before finals I was cooking my food, making sure I was eating correctly and when finals came up I have been so busy studying and scrambling and anxious that I just eat what I can get my hands on, whatever is available with minimal hassle… like instant noodles, junk food, fast food… I literally stopped dead in my tracks and said “FRIKKIN DUH!!” You can’t go from healthy portions and regular schedule eating to this chaos of eating whenever possible and not expect something bad to happen! Well, finals are over, and I think the sleepless night is my body’s weird way of trying to reset the sleep schedule (some nights I’ve been up past 2 studying, or unwinding) and yes, some people would say “Well your lunch time nightmare could just be a side effect from your eating habits lately and your whole habits of late with the stress of finals and such.” And that is logical- but how to you explain the rest of my nightmares and night terrors? But that’s not the point, I am not looking for answers for my nightmares anymore. They are there, they exist, just push through them, calm down from the terror and carry on with life. Really what else is there to do?
If I had written all of this in my little journal I bet my pages would be filled up. I think I don’t want to write in my journal because the pages are almost out and that means I’ll have to find another equally cool journal to keep writing and I get sad about that. For the past 3 years it’s been a great journal!
Moving on, I just paid off my credit card, that’s been nagging for a while ^_^ I have money left over and I am racking my brain trying to remember if there was anything else I needed to pay off that was dire. And I’m coming up empty, I was suppose to take Little Bit out to dinner last night, whoops, I totally forgot. The stressed killed everything for me. I just sent her a text asking about tonight. I’ll need to run home and shower first. And I need to take my bicycle down to the guys and have it disassembled, then over to Jay and have it blasted. Then painted and then back to the guys for reassembly. I also need to go grocery shopping, the dogs need more dog food, Blaze is okay with her cat food, and I want to buy a new dog puzzle for them. Well, I will hold off on the dog puzzles, I need to buy dog food and groceries and have the bike repaired because I want to ride my bicycle again and it being disassembled is a problem.
Tax returns should be coming in sometime soon, when that happens I have the whole yard to re-landscape, and if negotiations go alright between dad, turtle and me I’ll have a motorcycle to pay off! 1408, 1hour and 22 minutes to go. Ooh, I have written so much, I haven’t written this much in such a long time.
Holy hera… Between Dragonfly and Little Bit I swear these women are gonna be the death of me!! LB describing how she’s making Pizza on Monday, and now Dragonfly talking about an amazing article of clothing she’s recently obtained!! You people are cruel- oh not cruel for teasing me- I like the teasing, but you people tease me when I AM AT WORK AND CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT… you evil, wonderful, crazy people!! 1443…
And for another thing, why do I always watch this episode of Doctor Who here at work? Professor Riversong and the Doctor meet and then she dies! Damnit, this always makes me tear up!! Such a beautiful, sad, touching story, I HATE IT!!! Love it… *sniff sniff* stupid dust in my eye… “Is ‘alright’ special Time Lord code for ‘really not alright at all’?” “Why?” “Cuz I’m alright too.”
Man I love Doctor Who and this new season looks so, so good! I want to want Leverage again, I love Leverage. Christian Kane is so sexy. Well, lots of people are sexy, Leverage is a good show and Hutton and Kane make it worth it for me. Still no word from Little Bit, she must be busy. 1509
I’ve got 3 c-4 containers to move.
I’ve got inventory to perform.
Dr. Horrible is funny
And I am out of here.
To days to come all my love to long ago.
/ac
And for another thing, why do I always watch this episode of Doctor Who here at work? Professor Riversong and the Doctor meet and then she dies! Damnit, this always makes me tear up!! Such a beautiful, sad, touching story, I HATE IT!!! Love it… *sniff sniff* stupid dust in my eye… “Is ‘alright’ special Time Lord code for ‘really not alright at all’?” “Why?” “Cuz I’m alright too.”
Man I love Doctor Who and this new season looks so, so good! I want to want Leverage again, I love Leverage. Christian Kane is so sexy. Well, lots of people are sexy, Leverage is a good show and Hutton and Kane make it worth it for me. Still no word from Little Bit, she must be busy. 1509
I’ve got 3 c-4 containers to move.
I’ve got inventory to perform.
Dr. Horrible is funny
And I am out of here.
To days to come all my love to long ago.
/ac
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