D.101.11
I'm Sorry I Couldn't Go
by Nny Christie on Monday, 11 April 2011 at 03:35am
but I still know the song and the words and her name and the reasons
I know death happens. It happens all the time in the world. It happens to everyone. It's always been in the periphery of my life. There was a near miss (the only one my family informed me of - I dunno how many more there may have been) in my junior year when my brother was on his second tour in Iraq - that (known) single near miss had me acting out in Creative Writing class to the point a classmate had to take me outside to calm me down. But despite the near miss, I've never had it strike so close before in a time of my life that I'm so acutely aware of its inevitability. And I know it's useless to ask "why? Why her?" and to say "it's not fair" is as useless to say as it is true. Truthfully, life isn't fair; death is inevitable. And I'm still asking, "Why? Why her? It's not fair. She was a good person. God, she was a wonderful, beautiful, warm person who thought only of bringing joy and laughter to the people in her life. She listened! She helped! When she was wrong she knew and had no shame or hesitation to make amends! And she had courage! She was a light in everybody's life. So loved."
Oh, I know, the best we can do is keep her and her family and friends in our prayers and remember her all our lives. Remember her for her compassion and honor those memories. Dear friends, former roommates, current ones, you know, I love you all. I truthfully do. To those who I haven't talked to in ages, I'm sorry. I should reach out more. You have all brought something into my life that I adore. Let's make amends for what we've wronged - and I know I have wronged plenty.
I take care of an old lady, and she has been on the brink of death. It's been pulling at my heart and memories, for I was never close to my grandparents. I never really had the opportunities to spend time with them. I didn't attend their funerals. And I think it's because of my absence at their funerals that I never really felt the full impact of their passing. They all passed naturally. I can really accept that. And seeing this lady unable to move from her bed for anything makes me miss them. And I think the reason this death impacts me so is that she wasn't old.
God, she wasn't old at all, and with her spirit, even had she made it to her 90s she would seem so young and radiant. She was a mother, a friend, a source of strength and compassion. A true light in a world that seems to work so mercilessly. I loved her wholly for that compassion which seemed to pour from her endlessly. And her laughter, how she laughed! My most distinct memory is hanging out with her in the room she shared with Dustin, Daniel and Tudy one sunny afternoon with Florida. We were discussing the aimlessness that Florida and I felt in our lives; it was a year of transition for all of us. And she told us we just had to go, just live and pursue happiness and never worry about the rest of the world. She was living proof of it, Florida, too. And she told us her story, and I couldn't help admire her courage to do what she did even if at the time I also thought it seemed a bit ridiculous but I was glad for her presence! And she made us laugh, and told us a story of when she met Keanu Reeves, of her obsession with that actor! I teased her for it, but she didn't care, and she laughed, and we laughed. That afternoon was so sunny and warm, in December.
To express my appreciation and love for you all on Facebook seems so impersonal. I expect to see you all face-to-face some time soon to let you know with a smile and a hug. It's easy to take for granted the importance to let people in your life know how you care for them. To let distance be an excuse for silence. While truthfully, I am the type of person to not really ever keep in touch but upon a reunion will always be willing to pick up where we left off, but I forget, too, how important it is to let the distant friends know how I still love and care for them, too. I need to regain a few numbers that have been lost. Message me.
It's terrible of me, but I don't know if I can get the time off for the funeral. I'm going to try my best.
young boys, young girls, ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Life's not fair, and I keep trying to tell myself if it was, it wouldn't be worth living. But people shouldn't die this young. I am worried about my little sister, she's never had to deal with death this close before. Me and brobro we've tried to keep her from a lot pain of this fucked up world, maybe that's wrong us, maybe it's not, but we've never had to protect her from this. But maybe 22 years old is an okay age to start dealing with this sort of hurt, it's a lot better than having to face it when you're still a young child. "For the next few weeks, keep a close eye on her." I told her if she needs absolutely anything to tell me and I will drop everything and help her.
Anyways, on to different topics before I start crying here at work…
My body is rebelling against me- months ago, before I was even paying attention, I was out drinking with some friends and I had a couple of shots, tequila, whiskey, nothing that would ground me and I know my limits! The next morning I had a killer headache and my stomach just hated me. I brushed it off, whatever, must have just eaten something bad. Then my body rebelled against cigarettes and I, begrudgingly, became a nonsmoker. Last night, I was at pool with Little Bit and as per tradition, I took a shot for the lost soul. Johnnie Walker Black Label, one of my favorite Irish whiskies then proceeded to have my regular beers (Blue Moon) and try to smile and have fun. Oh yeah I had fun, it was a great night, nearly died laughing once. Anyways, I get home, I am not feeling tipsy or light headed or anything, I feel good and I get ready and go to bed. Wake up at 2am and my stomach just frikkin HATES me! I got to thinking about it, use to be I wouldn't drink beer, in all my years of drinking, beer is a new thing. I've always been a hard liquor, straight shot kinda chick, but in the last year or so my body has not been so accepting of hard liquor. Vodka and Tequila I haven't had much problems with but Bourbon, Whiskey, Brandies… my body isn't taken them anymore. They tear up my stomach and intestines, make me vomit, give me killer headaches and just being overall crappy! Damnit! I love whiskey!! Bourbon and Brandy I can make do without, and fine, Whiskey I can too, but damn it, really! Really? I know this can be a good thing, my body not accepting my vices anymore but I do find it a little weird, I mean, is it normal for the human body to just suddenly not like something anymore? My mind wants it, I crave things so badly- like cigarettes, I see people smoking and I want to smoke, I watch a certain movie or listen to a certain song which had a strong link in my mind and I really REALLY want to smoke but if I do I get light headed, nauseated, and it really SUCKS!!
Dear body,
WHAT THE FUC< IS WRONG WITH YOU!
forever love,
ac
New note, I want to go eat at Lin's but I haven't anyone to go with. Gr.
Statistics class tonight and I haven't a clue what'll be covered on the test. I need to scour the book and write down some notes for the quiz for tonight. But for now, it's lunch time, I need to run to the bank and deposit my per capita. Brobro got his and he's going to fix his car, I get mine and I am going to have my bike rebuilt. :)
Shit, I forgot my tax information! I have a meeting with Vivian at 530! Okay, gonna use my comp time to run home and get my paperwork. I can't believe I forgot it, well… yes I can. I was so sleepy and slightly hung over this morning it took me forever to crawl out of bed and feed the animals. Blaze was sitting on my pillow and meowing in my ear to wake me up. Artie kept trying to get her nose under me and push me off the bed. And Ahriman… well, Ahriman just watched me.
Well, the end is here, of work anyways, and I must return home then violin classes, then statistics classes. Good night.
To days to come,
/ac
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